Philip J. Fry
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Episode Transcript: 1acv05 |
1ACV05 Fear of a Bot Planet From The Neutral Planet [Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch looking out of the windscreen into open space.] Leela: What do you think of the view Fry? Fry: It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant. [A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it off.] [Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.] [Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. The crew are sat watching what could be a baseball game...] Bender: Hey nice seats! We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down! Fry: I don't get it. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball? Farnsworth: Baseball?? God forbid! Leela: Face it Fry. Baseball was as boring as mum and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up. Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't - hmm, so they finally jazzed it up? [A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up cheering.] Fry: Home run!! Woooo! Right? [The ball springs back, a player catches it, flies through the air and hits a base.] Umpire: Out! Fry: What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing? Leela: It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope. [Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it and is caught by Bender.] Bender: I got me a souvenir! [A kid looks sadly up at Bender] Aww here you go kid! [He hands the kid the player.] [Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and walks to a food stand.] Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please. Man: We don't sell those. Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll. Man: We're out of rolls. Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites. [Cut to: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. Zoidberg is back with the group eating a hot dog] Fry: Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed. Bender: Hey buddies who wants popcorn? All: I'll have some, me, yeah! [Bender pops then takes a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity.] Bender: Anyone want butter on that? [He pumps his antenna.] Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right? Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. [The blernsball falls into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card. All right! Yes!! Fry: What just happened? Leela: Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns! Farnsworth: He's good all right. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days when steroid injections were mandatory. Bender: Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine! Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels. Bender: Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer. Leela: Yep. Bender: You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field. Fry: What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there. Bender: Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there? Fry: Eleven? Bender: Zero! [He throws his bottle on the floor and it breaks. A small robot comes out and cleans it up.] And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish! [Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.] Farnsworth: Oh dear Lord! Fry: What's wrong? Farnsworth: It's...my...new...pager. [He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic image of Hermes appears in front of him.] Hermes [on pager]: This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. [The crew grumble. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image.] Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick! Farnsworth: I'm sorry what? Hermes [on pager]: Argh! [The bird takes off with him. Hermes screams.] See you at the office! [Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are around the big table.] Bender: Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier. Fry: Well, aren't they? Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it! [Enter Farnsworth.] Farnsworth: Great news everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight! Fry: Why is that great news? Farnsworth: I'm glad you asked that question Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists. Bender: Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical? Leela: Hey hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens? Farnsworth: They're not fans. Hermes: That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery. Bender: Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work! Leela: This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here. Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday. Fry: Really? Which one? Bender: Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar. Leela: Oh come on Bender. Last month it was Robomadom and before that Robonza. Fry: Man that one was a blast! Bender: It wasn't just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest. Hermes: Now look here Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis. Bender: All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives. Farnsworth: Well then it's settled. So long everyone! [Scene: Ship's Cockpit. The ship is approaching Chapek 9.] Fry: So let me get this straight: This planet is completely uninhabited? Bender: No. It's inhabited by robots! Fry: Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes. [The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bay doors open.] [Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay.] Leela: OK Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work. Bender: Yes Miss Leela, tote that space barge, lift that space bale. Leela: Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans! Bender: I'll try to keep that in mind! [He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.] Leela: Hmm, he seems pretty angry. Fry: Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet. Leela: Maybe we ought to do something nice for him. [Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners, paper people and beers.] Leela: There. That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him. [The phone thing beeps.] Fry: Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery. [Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.] Bender [on screen]: I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no! [He is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts out.] Fry: Oh my God! We have to go down and rescue him. Leela: No we can't! They'll kill us on sight. Fry: Well what are we going to do? Leela: I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it. [Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and things.] Leela: OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots. Fry (robot voice): I am fully operational Captain. Leela: We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if neccessary solve complex differential equations like robots. Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help? [He sort of dances like a robot.] Leela: Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all... [She dances like a robot.] [Cut to: Chapek 9 surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot complex.] Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store bought costumes. Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant. [They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards.] Robot Guard #1: Halt! Robot Guard #2: Be you robot or human? Leela: Robot...we be. Fry: Uh yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! [He sort of dances like a robot.] Eh? Robot Guard #1: Administer the test. Robot Guard #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file? Robot Guard #1: Choose! [Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.] Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way? Robot Guard #2: No. It is the bad kind of puppy. Leela: Then we'll go with that data file. Robot Guard #2: Correct. Robot Guard #1: The flower would also have been acceptable. Robot Guard #2: You may pass. [The Robot Guards fold up and move to the side. Fry and Leela enter the complex.] [Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.] Leela: Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. [An alarm sounds. Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards Fry and Leela. Another alarm. The robots clear the area.] So far, so good. [Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions to a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.] Construction Worker: Little to the right, there you go. Leela: Have you seen this robot? [She shows him a picture of Bender.] Construction Worker: Sorry, can't help you. Hey watch it! Don't drop that there! [The crane drops a brick into the wall and it disappears.] Aw! Leela: Come on Fry, walk like a robot. Fry: I can't. I have to go to the bathroom. Leela: Robot's don't have bathrooms. Fry: Oh right. I wonder where they all smoke in high school. Leela: Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard. [Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.] Leela: Hurry up Fry. Robot: Sir? Are you aware that you're leeking coolant at an alarming rate? Fry: Uh... Robot: Well let me just patch you up with some hot resin. Fry: I think the leek's stopping itself. [It doesn't.] Wait. [Still going.] Wait. Yeah, there we go. [Starts again.] Wait. Yeah! Robot: What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin? Leela: I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks. Robot: Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you. [The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The robot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and Fry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the robot.] Patrol Officer #1: Get the humanoids. Patrol Officer #2: Get the intruder. Announcer [on loudspeaker]: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Leela: Quick! Let's duck in here! [They run into a cinema (Now Showing: It Came From Planet Earth)] [Scene: Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular horror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. They are of course robots!] Announcer [on radio in movie]: We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement. A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point. Rusty [in movie]: Say Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you? Wendy [in movie]: Did you here that Rusty? It sounded like a human. Rusty [in movie]: Relax Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. Its perfectly safe to let our guard down - even for a second. [A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears out of some bushes.] Human [in movie]: Graaah! [It tears Rusty's head off and eats it. Wendy screams.] I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold! [It opens itself up revealing human organs.] Audience: Ooooo! Fry: Wow the 3-D's great! Leela: Mine's not working! [She moves the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye.] [In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and a Robot General approach it.] Robot General [in movie]: Funny isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick! [He chuckles.] Wendy [in movie]: I'm just glad the nightmare is over. Robot General [in movie]: It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres! [He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.] Fry: God help us! [Scene: Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing out.] Leela: OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender. Robot #1: So what did you think of the movie? Fry: Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing. Robot #2: Yeah, it was a real chick flick. [A loud fanfare.] Leela: What's that? Robot #1: What do you mean "What's that?"? Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt. [The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.] Leela: Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look. [She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a robot!] Robot #3: Awww that was uncalled for! Fry: I'm over here! [The robots congregate around a platform.] Robot #4: I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738. Robot #5: I heard they unscrew our lugnuts at night and eat them at their human brunches. Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! [The crowd laughs.] A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender! [Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.] Fry: It's him. He's OK! Bender: Death to humans! Fry: Ahh! It's good to hear his voice! [Time Lapse.] Bender: Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful! [The crowd cheers.] Fry: My God! He's become evil. [Leela stares at him.] I mean eviler! Bender: Thank you, thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchse my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine. [He pulls the string] Bender Figurine: Bite my shiny metal ass! Robot Mayor: Let the hunt begin! [Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look under rocks.] Bender: Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt. Robot #1: Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human? Bender: Sure, why not? [Cut to: Bracken] Robot #1: Anything in the trap? Bender: Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait. Robot Mayor: Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow. [Bender sees a building.] Bender: Wait, what's that? Robot Mayor: Oh thats the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography. Bender: Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out. [Scene: Porno library. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit diagrams!] Bender: Oh yeah! You're a bad girl aren't you? Fry: Psst! Bender! Bender: Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here? Fry: We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser. Bender: I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans. Leela: Good for you. Now lets all get back to the ship. Bender: What for? Fry: We're rescuing you. Bender: I don't wanna be rescued. Fry: Say what? Bender: I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring. Fry: But Bender, we're your friends. Bender: Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair. Fry: That's not true. Bender: Well that's how it feels to me. [An awkward silence as Fry regrets what he is about to say] Fry: Bye Bender. I'll miss you. Bender: Go on, get out of here before you get caught. Robot Mayor: Bender, good news. Your album just went gold! What the? Robot #1: Its the humans! Robot Mayor: Bender! Do something! [Bender grabs Fry and Leela.] Bender: Uh...got you...you muderous...flesh piles! [Scene: Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge is a Mac.] Robot Mayor: Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case! Judge: Thank you Prosecuter, I will now consider the evidence [He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.] Fry: Hey wait a minute! Isn't anyone going to defend us? Leela: Yeah! I mean he might not have a case but I'm genuinely not human. Robot Mayor: Quiet human! [The Judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen: Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.] Robot Clerk: Uh oh! He froze up again! Robot Mayor: Try control alt delete. Robot #1: Jiggle the cord. Robot #2: Turn him off and on. Robot #3: Clean the gunk out of the mouse. Fry: Call technical support. Robot Clerk: OK OK he's back online. Judge: I find the defendants - guilty! [The court cheers.] Fry: No! Leela: Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not human! Judge: The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school. Robot Mayor: Great work Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again! Bender (uneasy): Heh heh heh! Oooh! [The clerk pulls a lever and Fry and Leela fall through the floor.] [Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. The sounds of Fry and Leela hitting the floor sounds.] Leela: Are you alright? Fry: Oh yeah. [The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before 5 tall robots.] Leela: Who are you? Blue Elder: We are the robot elders. Fry: You don't look very old. Blue Elder: Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves. Leela: What's going on here? Orange Elder: Silence! Bring in Bender. [The doors open. Enter Bender.] Bender: Alright lets make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey what is this? Blue Elder: Silence! It is time to put the humans to death! Fry: But the judge already sentenced us at the trial! Yellow Elder: Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, four centuries ago. Blue Elder: Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners. Green Elder: Silence! I concur! Yellow Elder: Here. Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig. Bender: Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave them a savage beating? Blue Elder: No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling. Green Elder: Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society! Elders: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Bender: Aww! [He throws the killer-ma-jig away. The Elders gasp.] I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. they're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards. Fry: Damn right! Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless. Blue Elder: We're well aware of that. Bender: You are? Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem. Green Elder: Like our crippling lugnut shortage. Yellow Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetant Robot Elders. Lime Elder: Duh, that's for sure. Blue Elder: Quiet Jimmy. Bender: Well I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out. Green Elder: Silence! You all know too much. Blue Elder: Elders: Execute function, control, shift, kill! [They form a line and things come out of their arms. They move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly leaps forward.] Fry: Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you! Leela: He'll do it. He's crazy! Yellow Elder: Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up? Blue Elder: Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie. Orange Elder: Was that the original or the re-make? [The crew sneak away.] Blue Elder: I don't - hey! They're getting away. [Scene: Chapek 9 surface. Outside the Robot Complex, Fry, Leela and Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.] Fry: So long suckers! [The robots stand on each others shoulders] Uh, hello suckers! Bender: Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package. [He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls, along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.] Robot #1: Lugnuts! Precious lugnuts! Robot #2: Hooray for the humans! [Cut to: Ship's cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender sees the decorations.] Bender: Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever! Fry: We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heratige. Bender: Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right? Leela: Of course. Fry: But that doesn't make it any less meaningful! Bender: In that case - let the dancing begin! [Fry and Leela do their robot dances.] Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that?? [There are several shots of the crew taking photos.] [Closing Credits.] __________________________________________________ Executive Producers Written by Directed by Starring Also Starring Copyright 1999-2003 Transcribed: 13/8/02 |